The Ten Commandments

1. I am God! Godgodgodgodgod! Goddity God God God! And don't you dare say that I'm nooooooooooooot!

2. Did you miss that part where I'm God? So stop worshiping that guy on the microwave cookery show. Does he understand the success of Jim Carey? No? Then he's NOT GOD!

3. Stop calling out my name when you're not talking to me. It's DISTRACTING! That's how atrocities like the original Star Trek occur.

4. Once, I was building a tower out of pancakes. Amazing pancakes. Deific pancakes. Pancakes of DOOM! And then I got tired. Amazingly tired. Deifically tired. TIRED OF DOOM! So sleep once in a while.

How about...I dunno...once a week. Sleep once a week.

5. Man, Jesus was so *annoying* when he was a teenager. You try raising a kid who thinks he's God. And just *try* getting him to wear a seatbelt. "No, I don't need it, I'll just rise from the dead again. Who cares about seatbelts?" (Ed, I'm glaring at YOU!) So here's the rule. Everyone has to listen to their parents. Whether you're deific or not.

6. No killing. No killing. Are you listening to me? Didn't you hear me say no killing? Oh, and by the way, no killing. Lookee hear, it's no killing. God's will equals no killing. It's not delivery, it's no killing. No killing, the other white meat. I'm Kent Wallis, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm no killing. Hey, did I mention no...ooh, look! It's a birdy!

7. Everything involving rings makes you be loyal. If you've got a ring, you've got to stick with it. I don't care if it's those cheap plastic rings you get in quarter machines outside of Big K-Mart. You put on the ring, no sex with anyone but the quarter machine. Ring Pops, the One Ring to Rule them All, Olympic Rings, Ring Around the Rosy, the whole deal. Don't mess with rings.

8. Okay, so this one has really been misunderstood. It's all Moses's fault. I told him to put dowm the medamn pocket Simon game and just chisel the medamn stone tablets, but he was all like, "No, just wait a minute. I'm almost through level 10."

Look, it was, is, and always shall be, "Thou Shalt Not Peel."

If you get a sunburn, you're damned. No forgiveness. No repentance. No excuses. Just eternal damnation.

9. Okay, here's the deal. Originally humans were psychic. Adam and Eve and their kids could read each others' thoughts. Then Cain and Abel turned fourteen, and Adam and Eve asked if I would please turn down the telepathy. "It's bad enough listening to what they say. Hearing badly formed mental poetry about their wretched misery all day long...blech."

So I got rid of the telepathy. And then what do you all start doing? Cheating. You're a bunch of verbal cheaters. I never should have given you all language acquisition devices. So here's the deal: Pretend everyone around you is psychic. They're all listening to you're thoughts. Then, when you're a quivering mass of paranoid schizophrenia, maybe *then* you'll STOP LYING!

10. So here's the deal. I gave you a perfectly good chia pet, and all you can do is go on and on about how your neighbor got an ox *and* an manservant. Cut it out! I gave you a perfectly good chia pet.

Peace out, boys and girls.