The Creation Story

In the beginning, God was really bored. Then he got started with this whole blinking light thingie and he was like, yeah, dude, strobe lights rock! (When you're eternal, 24 hrs is a decent strobe.) And then he was like, "It sure is damp down here. How can I enjoy my strobe light when I keep drowning all of the flipping time?"

So God put some of the water stay in the sky, and made a tarp to keep it up there. Then he figured out where Denver would be and cut a hole in the tarp.

Then God went about making oceans. At first, he created a race of intelligent ladles to do his bidding and move the water into big piles, but then he realized that it would be easier to just create a new law. The law was, "Everything has to obey Gravity." Then God made Gravity. And Gravity was this really bitchy woman with green spiky hair and brightly painted fingernails. And God sat back and let Gravity boss the ladles around.

And then God saw that beneath all that water was actually a lot of dirt. At first, God made little mudballs and was about to start pegging insolent fools when he realized that there were none to peg. So God sat on the ground and watched his strobe light. And God thought, I could really go for some stir fry right now. So God made noodle bushes and soy sauce trees and pepper vines and carrots and cabbages and rice cesspools and 1-quart cardboard carton trees grow. But then God forgot that he was hungry because he was distracted by all of the growing things and so he made all sorts of things grow. And he was like, oooooooh, colors!

And then God got really into the colors thing and made cosmic confetti and threw it all over the place and lit it on fire and named it moons and planets and stars because Cosmic Confetti Conflagration makes a better name for a Irish punk garage band than it does for celestial bodies.

And then Gravity decided that the oceans were done and she marched the ladles to their deaths in the sea. Remember kids, Gravity is bitchy. So God decided to get back at Gravity and he made flocks of color that didn't have to obey her. Those were birds. And then he turned the ladles into animals that could move up and down without paying attention to gravity either. Those were fish.

But then Gravity said she was sorry for killing all the ladles and everything was cool again.

And then they both sat around for a while. And then God said, "Let's play Clue."

And then Gravity said, "That hasn't been invented yet."

And then God said, "Oh yeah. Darnit."

But then God was bored again. God tried playing with the birds, but they just wanted to play Settlers of Catan which is the MOST BORING GAME EVER! God tried playing with the fish, but they kept doing that weird mouth thing that fish do and God was unnerved. God tried playing with the plants, but all they wanted to do was sit around and talk about stupid boring things. God tried playing with Gravity, but she was busy making things fall over. But there weren't anything like buildings to knock over, so it was mostly stuff like making acorns go down instead of up. So God was very bored.

So God decided to make land animals. He made squirells, which are nature's delinquents. He made cats, which are prissy and stuck up. He made dogs, which are stupid and silly. He made aardwolves, which burrow in the ground, and then he made flying squirells (which pissed off the birds because they felt the flying squirell was one of their own, but arguing with God doesn't really work).

And God watched the animals go about their little animal things. It was super cool and he was like, "Either I'm *really* high, or I AM GOD!"

And God checked the weed to see if it was where he left it when he made plants and it was. And he thought, "Dude, if I'm not high, then I really kick ass."

And God was very happy for a while. He would go hang out with the fish until he couldn't stand the mouth thing and then he'd go hang out with the impala and hope that GM never names a mid-size sedan after it and then he'd eat a watermelon and spit the seeds at blue jays.

But then God would see something shiny and get distracted.

And one day God was like, Gravity is cool and all, but she's really busy with her job. And the animals and plants are pretty neat, but they don't do much new. They pretty much do the same things over and over. So God made people, men and women. He made them like him. They liked to make things. They had lots of new ideas and got did lots of different things. They liked strobe lights and shiny things. And pretty soon they were building and bickering and inventing waffle irons.

And God watched them and he was happy.