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A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, there was a man named Samuel, and it was Samuel's job to pick a new king for Israel.

Samuel tried lots of things. He had applicants juggle and dice vegetables and play hopscotch and have a spelling bee. None of it worked. He asked each of them to write down what they would do with a million dollars. But none of them knew what a million dollars was and their answers were nonsense but that didn't really matter because no one could read anyways. So that didn't work. He gave each of them a plant to take care of and nixed the applicants whose plants died, but he didn't think ahead very much and gave them cacti, so that only cut out two or three people, and there were hundreds of applicants.

God grew impatient with Samuel and said, "Don't you have any ideas that, you know, don't suck?"

Samuel looked deep into his heart and though carefully about the Lord's question. After a day and a night of contemplation, he answered the Lord with a strong and unwavering voice, "No, no I don't."

God smacked his forhead and asked his secretary why Samuel was made king in the first place. The secretary shrugged. "Okay," said God to Samuel, "I'll take care of everything. Now here's what you're going to do." And then the camera panned out and you could hear that God was talking, but you couldn't hear what he was saying, just like in those dectective stories when they're about to hatch a plan that will solve the mystery and the bad guy will be all like, "OOOOOH, how did you ever CATCH me!" And the good guys will be all like, "Yeah, our plan was ingenious, and I'll bet you never expected your own knowledge of herpetology to be used against you." And then the bad guy will be all like "Damnit."

So the next day, Samuel set out, guided by the Lord. This took some getting used to, as Samuel was usually guided by a compass and a map. Also, the Lord kept turning plagues on and off in China and so was distracted and kept forgetting to give Samuel directions. But finally, Samuel arrived at the house of Jesse.

Jesse was a really cool guy. He had three dozen Furbies standing watch outside of his house, guarding it with their eerie little eyes. He also had a dancing Elvis. He also had a sign in his yard that said, "I, Jesse, don't want to be king."

So Samuel figured that he was here for one of Jesse's kids instead. He hoped it wouldn't be a toddler. Toddler kings were a lot of trouble. Then he say Jesse's oldest son, a tall and statuesque person. And Samuel thought, 'wow, he looks kingly.' But the Lord said, "No, God does not judge by appearances. He's actually really bad at accounting."

Samuel sighed and went on to the next oldest son, Abinadab. And Samuel watched Abinadab juggle and thought, 'this one is good, right Lord?' And God replied, "No, what does juggling have to do with being a good ruler?" And Samuel thought, 'well, juggling is nice, that's all.'

So Samuel went on to the next oldest and the next oldest until Jesse had shown him seven sons. They weren't seven samurai, at least I don't think so, but they could have been. Let's just assume they were. At any rate, God rejected each of them.

And Samuel said to Jesse, "Don't you have any more kids?" And Jesse said, "Well, there's one more, but he smells like sheep."

Samuel's heart leapt with joy, for he loved the smell of sheep. And Jesse sent for David and Samuel was all like, 'damn, that kid is hot.' And Samuel begged the Lord, "Let's keep looking for a king and I'll keep David for myself."

And the Lord was all like, "No shepherdboys for you. David is the one I want. Make him king."

And Samuel was all dissapointed, but he anointed David king anyhow.

The End