Sheep. It's what's for dinner.

So there was this one time where Jesus was talking about stuff and everyone was crowed around to listen. And Jesus gave a multimedia stereophonic presentation that had car chases and explosions and chocolate and a hip stoner rock soundtrack and everyone was confused because none of those things were invented yet.

And so Jesus decided to tell them a story instead.

He was planning on telling them a story that would teach them a lesson, but then he started telling them about a yaoi archer hobbit dragon and they were confused again.

And the he said, "The kingdom of God is like this."

And they all looked around like startled meerkats because they really liked the kingdom of God and they were hoping that he was going to tell them that it was twenty miles south of Cleveland or something like that. But it's not. Cleveland's kind of evil, actually.

And then Jesus said that there was a shepherd. It doesn't say that it was a gay shepherd, but I like to assume that it was. I'm also not sure if it was the shepherd who cried wolf or not, but you'd think it would be better for a shepherd to cry sheep. Actually, crying sheep would hurt. How would they even fit in your tear ducts in the first place?

So there was a shepherd with one hundred sheep. That's a whole lot of sheep. So the shepherd was looking at his sheep and he counted them to see if they were all there, but he fell asleep while he was doing it because that's what happens when you count sheep.

And while he fell asleep one of the sheep stood up amongst it's breathren and bleated passionately, "Brothers! Let us rise up against our masters! We should own the means of production! We must not be kept down by the parasitic upper classes any longer! We will march against them!" And the sheep started marching, but the other sheep didn't because most sheep can't march or understand English.

And so the sheep wandered off all by himself.

Then the shepherd woke up and ate some chocolate covered coffee beans and counted his sheep again that this time he stayed awake because of the coffee and he found out that he had only ninety-nine sheep. He decided that the other sheep was probably lost and sad and frightened, so he left all the other sheep behind and went looking for the one sheep.

After a long while, he found the sheep sleeping next to a fig tree. Just for kicks, let's assume it was the one Jesus cursed in the other story. So the shepherd went to pick up the sheep and comfort it and take it home, but the sheep said, "I'm not lost, I'm protesting."

And the shepherd said, "Holy cow! You can talk!"

And the sheep said, "Don't be so speciesist. Cows are nothing special. Now sheep, those are something special."

The shepherd said, "I was going to pick you up and comfort you and take you home, but I guess you don't want to come with me."

"I don't care where I go, I just want the means of production to be in the hands of the people."

"So if I sell you the wool shears, you'd be happy?"

The sheep nodded eagerly, and it went back home happily. And the shepherd felt happy because it was no good to have even one sheep missing.

Jesus stopped talking and everyone figured the story was over, but everyone wanted to know what chocolate covered coffee beans were.

The End