Why I'm Bad at Interviewing, Part One

What made you apply for this position?
My microwave commanded me. And I have to keep it happy if I ever want to have taquitos for dinner again.

How did you hear about this job opening?
Through my network of sexy, hi-tech spies.

Briefly, would you summarize your work history & education for me?
In a word? "Charred."

What special aspects of your work experience have prepared you for this job?
It has taught me to expect nothing but suffering and meaninglessness from life.

Can you describe for me one or two of your most important accomplishments?
Picture the day, my friend. It's sunny, but surreally cold. The other customers magnificently creep past the placards and sundry cleaning equipment. The smell of disturbingly fake chocolate frosting pervades your nostril space. When in a flash, you are met with a brilliant, shining distraction from your ennui-laden grocery shopping: Some dumbass cashier is calling a square dance over the loudspeaker.

That's me.

How much supervision have you typically received in your previous job?
Before or after the square dance thing?

Describe for me one or two of the biggest disappointments in your work history.
The jobs and the pay.

Why did you leave your last job?
Because if I stayed after being fired, it would have been trespassing.

What is important to you in a company? What things do you look for in an organization?
Connections with the a sufficiently sizeable network of drug runners. How else am I going to get out of the stupid job I'm in here for?