It's Fun Living In My Head

When I was in college, I was in an ADHD support group, but it ended up getting cancelled because nobody would remember to show up.

People are often confused about good luck and bad luck. See, if you came home to find an effigy with a knife stuck in it and a note that says, "You," I'll bet you'd be thinking, "Bad luck." But that's not how I'd handle it. I'd be thinking, "Hey, free knife!"

If you find yourself wanting to criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. If you're a really critical bastard, you'll lose weight in no time!

If you're ever attacked by a bear, I think a good thing to do is start playing Solitaire. That way, when they bear starts pointing at cards you should move, you can probably get out of his grasp. Unless bears don't care about playing cards, in which case, you're screwed.

Everybody says practice makes perfect, but then they also say nobody's perfect. The point I'm trying to make is, cookies are tasty.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. But only if he eats very, very slowly.

Am I a student dreaming I'm a butterfly? Or a butterfly dreaming I'm a student? Either way, I'm afraid of nets.

My friend Bob had a way with animals. Squirrells, birds, dogs, they all just seemed to like him. Maybe it was his smile. Maybe it was his warmth. Maybe it was the immense quantities of peanut butter he kept smeared across his clothing at all times.

Learn from the penguin. Until you spread your wings, you'll never know how far you can waddle.

As I stared off at the sky, I remembered the saying that every cloud has a silver lining. Staring at these puffy masses of water droplets amassed before me, I realized that I could see it! The silver lining! It wasn't until I emerged from the coma three weeks later that I realized that what I had seen was lightning.

If you follow rainbows, eventually, they will lead you into the middle of the street where you'll get hit by a bus.

If every morning you eat a live frog, for the rest of the day, you can feel proud that you did your part to help control overpopulation in the frog community.

A stitch in time sounds like the start to a horribly amatuer science fiction novella.

If you're ever bored, here's something you could try. Get some styrofoam spheres from an art store. Carefully sculpt and paint them to look like apples. Then, give your art to some preschoolers so that they can learn to appreciate art. Everyone will love your generosity.

Every day I try to find one thing to be thankful for. Then I grab it, stuff it under my coat, and run before I get caught.

People think I'm strange when I talk about how much I like chemical burns, but what they don't understand is, I mean on people who aren't me.

If you were walking through the forest and a deer came out and started dancing a little jig, I'd bet you'd be thinking, "Hey, that's a really awesome deer." But don't think like that. Awesome would be a potato chip that tasted just like a chocolate chip cookie.

I'll bet if you're studying to be a doctor, the best day of your life is when you get to remove your own appendix.

I'm not evil. I contribute to "moral diversity".

If you stare long enough into the abyss, I'll probably take your wallet.

I like to imagine that there is an alien civilization out there so advanced that they no longer need war. They have no weapons, no fighting. And then I like to imagine us overthrowing that civilization with a couple of serrated knives, because it would be very easy.

Some nights, I look up at this one bright star to the northeast and I think, man, I could really go for some tacos right now.

People who live in glass houses had better like the smell of Windex.

Everyone thinks that sunsets are beautiful, but if you squint a little, they look a lot like a burning Volkswagon bug. Which is a beautiful thing, when you think about it.

Everybody talks about how great babies are, but let's be honest, guys. What have they done for you lately?

If I was ever a superhero, I'd call myself Potato Girl. That way, all the bad guys would underestimate me. They'd say, "Oh, we can tell her all of our super-secret plans because she's just some kind of carbohydrate-rich sidekick," but then I'd turn out to actually be SUPER Potato Girl and I would lead an unstoppable army of tubers in a successful attack on their mountain citadels. I would also eat french fries.

If I were ever an astronaut, I'd make sure to bring gum with me in space. That way, if there was a life-threatening leak, I could plug it with the gum. And if that didn't work, I could die with minty-fresh breath.

You can't spell "steam" without "meats".

I find sports to be unbearably boring to watch, unless I imagine that it's a battle between whatever the teams are named after instead of the teams themselves. So this weekend, the Colts played the Dolphins, but that wasn't really fair because what are a bunch of dolphins going to do on dry land? I like it better when the Pirates play the Yankees.

Teaching statistics is like creating a homemade Star Trek costume. Only a few people will ever appreciate it, and everybody hates those people.

I'll bet squirell mothers tell their kids, "An acorn saved is an acorn earned." And then I bet the kids say, "Acorns aren't worth anything!" Then the mothers grow fangs and exsanguinate the kids. That'd be cool.